Let’s get the party started

Ever get the feeling that people are pointing at you?  Tight slacks and a new hairstyle….why wouldn’t they be pointing at you?  Oh, the sign…

The wobbly boot

Vegetative State

Is there nowhere to have a quiet drink nowadays?  A new study by the Alcohol Education and rehabilitation Foundation (AER) has reported that each year more than 3,000 people die and over 65,000 are taken to hospital because of alcohol abuse.  The study found that nearly 80 per cent of all alcohol-related admissions at NSW hospitals are considered serious or life threatening.

It seems that ‘falling over’ was the main cause of injury, followed by being hit and “being cut or pierced”, but here’s the surprise – most injuries were sustained in the home.  Around a third of alcohol related injuries occurred in public locations, such as the street. Only five per cent of patients had been injured in licensed premises.

Experienced drinkers will tell you that you are safer lying down and drinking in a bar than you are wandering around the house with your wobbly boots on.

Spectator sport

All facets of the game a closely analysed

Later this week the Chicago Bliss plays the Tampa Breeze in the Lingerie Football League.  That’s right – its full contact American Football played by girls wearing lingerie.  It seems that combining football with lingerie and packaging it up as an alternative spectator sport is proving to be a big hit on the internet.  Who’d have thought that combing those keywords would deliver such a result?

To the point

Eye of the tiger

Every elite sportsperson has had to make sacrifices to reach the pinnacle of their chosen field.  However, few have given more than the champion dart thrower Jocky Wilson, whose 50 a day fag habit and heavy drinking were a feature of his 15 years at the top.  Jocky has been told to quit the ciggies or die, as he fights a serious lung disease.  The two-time world champhas been diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease which blocks the airflow to the lungs.

Jocky Wilson rose to stardom during the golden era of darts.  it was a moment in time when a bunch of overweight, drunk, chain smoking blokes were referred to as ‘athletes’.  By 1989 darts had emerged from the dingy, beer sodden, smoke filled pubs of England onto the glittering stage of prime time television.

Who will ever forget the final moments of the 1989 World Championship when Jocky Wilson, smelling of fags and perspiring larger, tossed the winning dart.  He is much admired by so many….good luck Jocky.

Pig Lets Fly

The Sydney Morning Herald has reported that the unsettled stomach of a 120-kilogram pig was to blame for a fumy false alarm near Bendigo on Tuesday night.  Fifteen firefighters and two tankers rushed to respond to a report of a strong smell of gas after their pagers sent an alert about 10.30pm.

The area has been identified as one of the state’s most at-risk of bushfires and residents are able to use only bottled gas, thus increasing the risk of a blaze.  But when the crews arrived at the house in Axedale 10 minutes later, the source of the offending smell was clear.

“When we got to the property where (the smell) was, these people had a pig; a big sow which was about 20 metres away from the house,” CFA captain Peter Harkins told Radio 3AW.  “I don’t know what they were feeding this thing but we certainly heard it.”

Mr Harkins said firefighters had “done the right thing” in responding to the call.  “Everyone’s a little bit toey with the recent hot weather we’ve had up here so we responded as we normally do,” he said.  “All I can say is we followed through with our call.”

Mr Harkins said he had captained the rural brigade for “a number of years” but it was the first time they had been called to a farting pig.  “We did hose it down a little bit. It was a little bit on the nose,” he said.

Clowning around

Confessions of a Pie Thrower

There are all sorts of fetishes.  Some of them are mild and inoffensive.  Some are dark and dangerous.  But how do you classify Coulrophilia?  Or Bozophilia, as it’s referred to by those with an erotic attraction to clowns.

Maybe it’s the big shoes and red nose that gets the heart beating a little faster.  Exponents of the baggy-trousered bicycle grip love dressing up as a clown in greasepaint and, sometimes, engaging in clown-like activities such as pie-throwing, playing with balloons or seltzer-spraying.

The pantomime begins when Spanky the Clown wants to play with his rubber chicken.  ’He’s behind youuuuu!’ I hear you scream

Christmas Jeers

Updating your resume

It’s nearly that time of the year again – the office Christmas party.  You’re feeling great because you’ve knocked off early and gone to the pub with a couple of colleagues for a few ’looseners’ before the big night out.  Arriving at the venue late, you decide against the canapés and head straight for complimentary cocktails.  The music is already pumping and you’ve got a bit of a wobbly boot on.

Two hours (4 schooners, 5 Cowboy shots and a couple of glasses of red wine) later you’re shirtless and on the dance floor making suggestive hip thrusts at the Financial Director’s PA.  Before you know it, she’s dancing on tables and you’re telling the boss how to run the company.  There’s just enough time to throw-up, and go back to the office with your dishevelled partner to play with the photocopier.

Yes, it’s a potential minefield for the novice, so here are a couple of tips from a middle-aged man:

Party do’s

• Mingle with everyone first – before you get a few under the belt.
• Make sure you sample the catering – best to get a lining in your stomach.
• Try to avoid talking shop – it’s boring.
• Count your drinks – 1 non-alcoholic drink for every 2 standard drinks.
• Watch your language – only tell jokes to those people you already know.

Party don’ts

• Probably better off leaving the g-string at home – particularly if you’re a bloke.
• Don’t start snogging your workmates.
• Don’t tell the boss how to run the company.
• Don’t push the boss for a pay rise.
• Stay away from the karaoke machine.
• Stay away from the photocopier.

Uh Oh!

No….it’s fine.  You keep the seat.  I was about to leave anyway.  No, I insist…

Dear Agony Aunt

You want to what?!

Please…may I sniff your Klompen Kloggen?  What?  Here, right in front of everyone?  I’ve got my Klompen Kloggen pouched at the moment, but I’ll take it out and roll it between my fingers, before I firmly massage it into that small bowl of yours.  The shank will need to be necked before you bring it to your lips and inhale deeply, because the stem is still a little moist.  Who would have thought that pipe smoking was so complex?  Check out these other retro advertisements at http://kitschcache.wordpress.com

She wants my Klompen Kloggen