Ever get the feeling that people are pointing at you?  Tight slacks and a new hairstyle….why wouldn’t they be pointing at you?  Oh, the sign…

Vegetative State

It seems that ‘falling over’ was the main cause of injury, followed by being hit and “being cut or pierced”, but here’s the surprise – most injuries were sustained in the home.  Around a third of alcohol related injuries occurred in public locations, such as the street. Only five per cent of patients had been injured in licensed premises.

Experienced drinkers will tell you that you are safer lying down and drinking in a bar than you are wandering around the house with your wobbly boots on.

Eye of the tiger

Jocky Wilson rose to stardom during the golden era of darts.  it was a moment in time when a bunch of overweight, drunk, chain smoking blokes were referred to as ‘athletes’.  By 1989 darts had emerged from the dingy, beer sodden, smoke filled pubs of England onto the glittering stage of prime time television.

Who will ever forget the final moments of the 1989 World Championship when Jocky Wilson, smelling of fags and perspiring larger, tossed the winning dart.  He is much admired by so many….good luck Jocky.

The area has been identified as one of the state’s most at-risk of bushfires and residents are able to use only bottled gas, thus increasing the risk of a blaze.  But when the crews arrived at the house in Axedale 10 minutes later, the source of the offending smell was clear.

“When we got to the property where (the smell) was, these people had a pig; a big sow which was about 20 metres away from the house,” CFA captain Peter Harkins told Radio 3AW.  “I don’t know what they were feeding this thing but we certainly heard it.”

Mr Harkins said firefighters had “done the right thing” in responding to the call.  “Everyone’s a little bit toey with the recent hot weather we’ve had up here so we responded as we normally do,” he said.  “All I can say is we followed through with our call.”

Mr Harkins said he had captained the rural brigade for “a number of years” but it was the first time they had been called to a farting pig.  “We did hose it down a little bit. It was a little bit on the nose,” he said.

Confessions of a Pie Thrower

Maybe it’s the big shoes and red nose that gets the heart beating a little faster.  Exponents of the baggy-trousered bicycle grip love dressing up as a clown in greasepaint and, sometimes, engaging in clown-like activities such as pie-throwing, playing with balloons or seltzer-spraying.

The pantomime begins when Spanky the Clown wants to play with his rubber chicken.  ’He’s behind youuuuu!’ I hear you scream

Updating your resume

Two hours (4 schooners, 5 Cowboy shots and a couple of glasses of red wine) later you’re shirtless and on the dance floor making suggestive hip thrusts at the Financial Director’s PA.  Before you know it, she’s dancing on tables and you’re telling the boss how to run the company.  There’s just enough time to throw-up, and go back to the office with your dishevelled partner to play with the photocopier.

Yes, it’s a potential minefield for the novice, so here are a couple of tips from a middle-aged man:

Party do’s

• Mingle with everyone first – before you get a few under the belt.
• Make sure you sample the catering – best to get a lining in your stomach.
• Try to avoid talking shop – it’s boring.
• Count your drinks – 1 non-alcoholic drink for every 2 standard drinks.
• Watch your language – only tell jokes to those people you already know.

Party don’ts

• Probably better off leaving the g-string at home – particularly if you’re a bloke.
• Don’t start snogging your workmates.
• Don’t tell the boss how to run the company.
• Don’t push the boss for a pay rise.
• Stay away from the karaoke machine.
• Stay away from the photocopier.